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‘Phubbing’ and Its Effects on Children

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Contributor Dr. Elise Herman

Smartphones are a mixed blessing. As amazing as they are, they take our attention away from what is right in front of us—and that can include our children. The term ‘phubbing’ describes snubbing someone we are with by paying attention to a smartphone, and ‘parental phubbing’ means interacting with a phone instead of one’s child. For kids over age 2, we do not have to be interacting with them constantly, but we do need to be emotionally available if they have a question or need us in some way, and being tethered to the phone impairs this.

When a parent chooses looking at their phone over paying attention to their child, the interaction between them suffers- the parent is less engaged with their child who may at first ask for more attention, but then soon give up. The child may become frustrated and sad and act out. Over time, this pattern of phubbing can lead to poor self-esteem and less confidence with other social interactions. Parental phubbing is also related to increased anxiety and depression in children and adolescents.

Research has shown the negative impact of parental phone use on babies, too, who may become more irritable and behave negatively when their parent ignores them to be on their phone. Studies of maternal phubbing revealed babies showing signs of stress (such as increased heart rate and emotional distress) and less effective learning. We know that simple eye contact between an infant and their parent builds brain development, so it is not surprising that taking this vital connection away can have a negative consequence for the child.

While most parents acknowledge that their cell phone usage gets in the way with interacting with their child, they may feel they ‘need it’ to be in touch with others, to keep track of their calendar, take photos, etc.  The more a parent uses their phone and especially ‘phubs’ their older child, the more that tween or teen will use their own phone similarly. Kids learn that it is OK to not be available and connected to those around them and miss out on how to relate to others emotionally.

So how to avoid parental phubbing? It takes real effort to break this habit, and both parents (and other adults in the child’s world) need to be invested in changing. Some suggestions include:

  • Have phone-free times for the whole family- at meals, at the park, while playing games, when out in nature, etc.
  • Have phone-free zones in the house such as the dining area, your child’s bedroom, and the playroom. If you have something urgent to take care of on your phone, explain this to your child and use it as quickly as possible
  • Disable notifications and put your phone on silent or ‘Do Not Disturb’ if you have it with you when you are with your child. If you forget to do this and hear a ‘ping’, ignore it (and then put it on silent mode)
  • Encourage mindfulness; pay attention and really notice what is in front of you. Even when not directly interacting with your child, make pulling out your phone intentional, ask yourself, “Do I really need to use my phone now?”
  • Work on dealing with boredom or ‘empty time’ (such as waiting in line) without reaching for your phone; you will be less likely to do this as a habit when you are with your child
  • Have a ‘code word’ for your child to let you know if they are feeling ignored by your being on your phone; this can be done in a playful manner and will encourage your child to speak up about phubbing

It is not easy to change our habits with technology, but our time with our kids is fleeting and vital to their social and emotional well-being. Being truly present with our children is one of the most important things we can do as parents. In addition, your child is watching, and you have an opportunity to be a good role model in how you handle your smartphone.

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Dr. Elise Herman

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Dr. Herman is passionate about community health outreach, school programs, and child/family health and wellness. She has more than 31 years of experience as a pediatrician in Ellensburg, Washington, the last 3 with KVH Pediatrics. In 2022 Dr. Herman mostly retired from practice and continues to contribute blog posts and remain a visible advocate for kids in the community.