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Helping Your Shy Child

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Contributor Dr. Elise Herman

By nature, some kids are more outgoing than others. Many children are shy and reserved when younger but become less so as they grow up. Being shy, however, just characterizes a child’s approach to the world (especially new situations) and does not have to be seen as a negative. There are felt to be some benefits of this personality trait as these children tend to be more observant and less impulsive. Shy kids may be slower to warm up and more cautious about jumping into a new social situation but given time and the opportunity to be involved when they feel ready, do fine socially.

You can help your child if they fall into the ’shy’ category:

  • Don’t allow people to label your child as ‘shy’ which can make them feel negatively about themselves. You can say something like, “He just sometime needs a little time to observe and warm up”. You can suggest your child give a little wave or smile if they are not ready to talk to someone.
  • Accept your child’s shyness and acknowledge their feelings, but don’t be overprotective. Gently encourage them to try challenging situations such as answering a question in class, ordering an item at a restaurant, or saying ‘hi’ to a child they see on the playground.
  • Create opportunities to practice social skills especially in low-risk settings such as going on playdates, casually getting together at a park with another family, etc.
  • Roleplay certain situations such as meeting new adults and approaching kids at school. It is fine to be near your child if they ‘need’ you, for example when meeting other kids at a playground, but try to let them speak for themselves. If they seem comfortable, you can move away while reassuring your child that you will be nearby.
  • Participation in group activities can build social skills and confidence. Small groups or classes such as scouts, dance, sports, or music give your child a chance to get to know a group that they will see regularly and so become increasingly comfortable.

It is important to separate common shyness from social anxiety disorder, which is more severe, long-term, and interferes with everyday life to a greater degree. Those with this issue worry excessively about social interactions and seek to avoid social situations when possible. This can negatively impact school, friendships, and overall emotional well-being. Talk to your child’s healthcare provider if you think your child may have social anxiety disorder as counseling and other treatments can be very helpful.

But don’t fret if you have a shy child—things will get easier! Accepting your child for who they are and supporting them as they work on social skills will help them gain the confidence they need as they grow.

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Dr. Elise Herman

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Dr. Herman is passionate about community health outreach, school programs, and child/family health and wellness. She has more than 31 years of experience as a pediatrician in Ellensburg, Washington, the last 3 with KVH Pediatrics. In 2022 Dr. Herman mostly retired from practice and continues to contribute blog posts and remain a visible advocate for kids in the community.