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How to Talk with Your Teen

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Contributor Dr. Elise Herman

We all want to feel connected to our kids, but as they become teenagers, it may seem harder to engage them in conversation. Between their appropriate need to become more independent, their frequent use of their phones and social media, and all of life’s distractions, how can you create opportunities to have an honest conversation with your teen? Here are some suggestions that might help:

Be a good listener: Ask open-ended questions, avoiding those which would have a short “yes” or “no” answer. Do not interrogate but ask with a desire to learn- about their school day, friendships, and interests. Avoid lecturing and try to reserve judgment unless there is a real safety issue. If you disagree with what your child says, ask why they feel a certain way; try to see things from their point of view. Often, teens want to chat about a concern but do not want you to “solve” it. Ask if they like your advice or help before offering. Remember to listen without the distraction of phones or computers.

Empathize: Your teen has a lot going on with social media, relationships, and school pressures. Life is likely more complicated for them than it was when you were their age. Listen and empathize; don’t discount their feelings and struggles.

Please respect their privacy: Do not share your conversations with others. You want your teen to feel safe and comfortable being open with you.

Location counts: The dinner table is an excellent place to chat casually about school, activities, etc. (research has shown that regular family meals decrease risky behavior in teens). Start the family dinner habit when kids are young and keep it going as much as possible through the teen years. Even if they are quiet at the table (don’t force anyone to talk), connecting as a family is essential. When driving, it is also a great time to chat, especially if it is just the two of you. Frequent brief conversations are more accessible than longer, more formal ones and can make you both feel connected..

Let your teen lead:

  • Be open to discussing things they care about, such as social media, music, trends, etc.
  • Try to be aware of what teens are viewing and discussing online.
  • Don’t try too hard to be “hip”; aim to be curious and informed.

Encourage confidence: You know your teen and their strengths. Let them know you believe them to be capable of handling challenging situations but that you are always there for them, too, to be a sounding board or assist if it is appropriate.

Having regular, non-judgmental chats with your teen can maintain open lines of communication and increase your emotional connection. In addition, this will make it easier if they need to come to you to discuss important issues such as relationships, sexuality, mental health, or substance abuse.

more about The contributor

Dr. Elise Herman

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Dr. Herman is passionate about community health outreach, school programs, and child/family health and wellness. She has more than 31 years of experience as a pediatrician in Ellensburg, Washington, the last 3 with KVH Pediatrics. In 2022 Dr. Herman retired from practice and continues to contribute blog posts and remain a visible advocate for kids in the community.

Mindfulness for Children

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Contributor Dr. Elise Herman

We live in a busy and often stressful world. Mindfulness is a simple concept that can help parents and kids be calmer and enjoy life more. Mindfulness means being present, paying attention to what is happening, and accepting it non-judgmentally. This technique is helpful at all ages but learning this when young means children will carry it forward as they grow up. Kids’ brains are still developing, including the prefrontal cortex, which directs focus and control. Mindfulness targets this part of the brain, so it is an excellent opportunity to encourage these skills while the brain is actively growing. Research has shown that mindfulness helps decrease anxiety and improve attention in school-age children. As a result, many schools include mindfulness in their curriculum.

Like so many other things in parenting, modeling behavior is very influential. Practicing mindfulness also helps you parent more effectively. Slowing down, noticing the ‘little things’, making good eye contact, and eliminating distractions (e.g., phones) will help you be present for your child. Start this mindful practice early, beginning with feeding your newborn. Put your phone out of reach (or turn it off), so you won’t be tempted to be looking at it instead of your child.

You can promote mindfulness with your toddler by engaging in activities encouraging focus, such as looking at books, going on walks, and coloring. Just looking closely at grass or flowers (and maybe you’ll find a bug!) teaches patience and calm. Toddlers can also learn to take slow breaths when upset or frustrated. You can demonstrate this, too, and be an excellent example of handling difficult emotions.

Preschoolers can practice mindfulness and focus by being quiet for a short time and increasing this as their patience and ability to “be” increases. Some parents do this at bedtime, starting with kids having eyes closed, being quiet and calm for 15 seconds, then working up to several minutes or more. Your child may then be able to calm themselves more quickly at other times, such as when upset. Taking walks in nature and being attentive to clouds, leaves, birds, etc., encourages your child to be present and focused. Notice and discuss the five senses as you go about your day. What is your child aware of in terms of seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling? You can include mindfulness in eating– enjoying food slowly and being aware of taste and smell instead of just eating in a rush without truly paying attention.

Older kids can understand more about the concepts of mindfulness and master mindfulness techniques. By learning to observe something with curiosity and acceptance instead of having an immediate emotional reaction, your child will be better able to handle complex and stressful situations. By fully paying attention to the present, it is easier to let go of regrets about the past and worries about the future. A simple technique is focusing on the breath; counting each breath up to 10 (‘one breath’ equals breathing in and out) helps with this. Imagining each breath as a gentle wave can also be very calming. Mindful breathing is a form of meditating and can be done for just a minute or more throughout the day. This really does train the mind to focus and be more grounded.

There are lots of helpful online resources. “Smiling Mind” is an Australian website and free app with good info about kids and mindfulness, regulating emotions, and how to promote empathy and connectedness. Other apps have fees but can be very valuable including “Headspace for Kids” and “Calm.” Your child is always learning from you, so the more ‘present’ you are with your child (this means putting down phones), the more both of you can be mindful, calm, and enjoy life.

Resources

more about The contributor

Dr. Elise Herman

Blog Posts
Profile

Dr. Herman is passionate about community health outreach, school programs, and child/family health and wellness. She has more than 31 years of experience as a pediatrician in Ellensburg, Washington, the last 3 with KVH Pediatrics. In 2022 Dr. Herman retired from practice and continues to contribute blog posts and remain a visible advocate for kids in the community.

Update: Talking to Your Child about Traumatic Events

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Note: This article was first published in 2017 after the Las Vegas mass shooting. Other than updating the location of recent mass shootings, little else was changed. A sad statement that these horrific tragedies continue.

Contributor Dr. Elise Herman

In the wake of the most recent mass shootings in Buffalo, New York and Uvalde, Texas, we all feel sad and stressed.  Parents also wonder if they should discuss traumatic events such as this with their children, what they should say and how to best reassure their child. Depending on the age of the child, how to do this will vary. 

Under age 2 years, kids do not understand exactly what is happening but often pick up on the emotions of the adults around them, and may cry more often, be fussy and be less social. Preschoolers may have some understanding that something bad happened and will look to their parents for reassurance and a sense of normalcy.  Kids in elementary school may develop fears depending on the trauma (especially a school shooting) and not want to go out to school or other activities. Regressive behavior and wanting more help from their parents are normal.

Preteens through teens, often very informed due to their exposure to media, may feel very worried and overwhelmed. They may minimize their feelings, withdraw, or not want to talk about the event. Their stress could come out in being more argumentative or they may have more physical complaints such as headaches.

Parents are crucial in helping their kids through a traumatic event such as a mass shooting. For the child old enough to express themselves who asks about the event, find out what they know or have heard. Keep your discussion age appropriate, and don’t volunteer additional details that may add to your child’s distress. For a preschool child, a simple explanation that a bad person hurt people but can’t hurt anyone anymore is enough. Of course, reassurance that they are safe is vital.

With their access to the news via their phone or computer, older kids may have more specific questions and worries.  They may have heard misinformation from their friends and social media. Give them your full attention and listen carefully. Address their concerns and correct misperceptions. Remind them of the plans in place to help prevent these events and plans that go into action if /when such events occur- and that as tragic as a mass shooting is, it is very rare.

Kids of all ages benefit in these situations from parents being very available, whether it is for questions and conversation or just warm hugs and time together (take your lead from your child). Keeping the family routine including school, activities, and family meals is important.

It is healthy to express your emotions and encourage your child to do the same but process your own feelings before addressing the event with your child. Seeking help from a counselor, health care provider, or clergy member is appropriate for anyone feeling distraught and overwhelmed weeks later, or if you are worried about how your child is coping. 

We have ‘screens’ everywhere and younger children may think every photo or video is actually another tragedy happening. Children with Internet-connected devices should avoid overexposure to the event- the same goes for parents. Younger kids (some say under age 11) should not watch the news or news videos online at all because the visuals can be too overwhelming.

In the face of such incomprehensible tragedy, we can remember PBS’ Mr. Rogers recalling what his mom told him:

Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

Good advice for all of us. Highlight the bright spots—the first responders, the heroes, average people doing what they can, be it donating blood or giving money to help. Tweens and teens may want to get involved to help promote social change; the non-profit website DoSomething.org is a fine place to start. There is a lot of the good in the world, and we can be the good and an example to our children. Be extra kind, help your child do something nice for someone else, and make your corner of the world a reassuring place for your child. 

Resources:

more about The contributor

Dr. Elise Herman

Blog Posts
Profile

Dr. Herman is passionate about community health outreach, school programs, and child/family health and wellness. She has more than 31 years of experience as a pediatrician in Ellensburg, Washington, the last 3 with KVH Pediatrics. In 2022 Dr. Herman retired from practice and continues to contribute blog posts and remain a visible advocate for kids in the community.